security blanket

Besides pounding into my heart over and over that “He loves me, oh how He loves me,” the Lord has been driving the point home this summer that He, and He alone is my security. I am definitely a “wade in the water” type of girl. I like to stick my toe in to see what the temperature is, then I’ll stick my feet in, then I get in up to my thighs. Then, if I’m feeling pretty good with the situation, I’ll dive my whole body under the water. Its not that I’m not adventuresome, on the contrary…I love a good adventure and when I think back over choices I’ve made, things I’ve done and life stories the Lord has written for me, I am almost astounded at how “out there” some of them are and in a few cases I have to catch my breath in disbelief that I actually experienced these things that I call “my story.” I, Bethany Daniel, (in no particular chronological order) have gone to England, to Scotland, to Costa Rica, to Panama, to Peru. Have ridden a camel. Have held a boa constrictor. Have jumped off a cliff. Have wakeboarded. Have flown to San Antonio, Texas on a plane ticket bought by a person I’d only met once to play with an artist who didn’t even know I was coming (this is how I met Ronnie Freeman…I’ll have to blog that entire story some other time). Have gone camping. Have quit my “good job in the city,” moved 7.5 hours away, to try my hand in the music business. Have ziplined through the rainforest. I’m no shrinking violet, but I’m also not a fan of situations where I feel out of control, where things are moving to fast (literally or figuratively speaking). I have a strong dislike of roller coasters and other thrill rides. I get scared riding 4 wheelers on gravel roads. I absolutely hate free-falling, be it 2 feet or 200.

I guess really, I’m a control freak. If I go somewhere with friends, I like to drive so that I know I can leave if I want to. I just like driving period because I don’t really trust anyone else’s driving. While I actually really enjoy flying in a plane, I hate that out of control feeling that occurs whilst hurtling down the runway for takeoff. I much prefer the actual flying and landing. I like my personal space…be it my own bedroom, my car, my seat; whatever that might look like. I like knowing the schedule (or better yet, making the schedule!), being the one to call the shots, etc. etc. I think I also look for “security blankets” be it a person I know in a crowd of strangers, a role to fill (for instance I’m fine walking into a gig where I don’t know anyone because I’m secure in that I’m “the violinist” …I find security in knowing the task that I’m there to do.), or a place (I don’t mind traveling all over the country because I know that there is an apartment in my name in Nashville, Tennessee for me to go home to.) (Wow…I’m sounding a bit neurotic. Sorry!)

This summer God has asked me to let go of all that makes me feel secure. I don't have cell phone service. I don't have a vehicle. I didn't have an abundance of people I knew...and those I did were not exactly at my disposal to hang out with. My role as a violinist was combined with my role on housekeeping staff, making it unfamiliar. I certainly don't have any personal space. For the first week and a half I didn't even have a bed to call my own. All I had was the Lord. And He has impressed on me that He is all I need. Relationships with people without a relationship with the Lord first, are empty. Without the Lord, the ability to travel somewhere turns into a twisted and tangled trail. Playing the violin is merely a role He allows me to fill, but my IDENTITY is in Him alone. Personal space is merely of this world...but I am in Him no matter where I am, or if there is space for me there. My place is not in or of this world anyway....there is a place prepared for me in Heaven. That is my only true "personal space."

At the ranch we have "intercessors" who come and stay for a week or longer whose sole purpose is to pray for the staff. One intercessor couple prayed over me the other day and the husband asked if I'd be willing to leave Nashville if the Lord called me to. I responded that the Lord had led me to Nashville and wasn't calling me to leave at the moment. He laughed and said that I hadn't answered his question at all. The question was not IF the Lord was calling me to leave Nashville...it was would I be WILLING if the Lord DID. I had to think long and hard about this and concluded that I was not willing. That I take so much security in where I live and having a plan to return there. My thoughts turn to Job who had everything stripped of Him...serious things like family...and yet his security remained in His relationship with the Lord. He identity was that of being the Lord's. Period.

Ronnie and I had a discussion the other day about a desire of my heart...but I expressed to Him that I desired to follow the Lord's will and the plan that He had for me, not one that I would manipulate of myself and Ronnie suggested that I "do this" with it. He stretched his arms out in front of Him and cupped his hands together, palms upward. (My thought was of a little kid showing his mom a frog he'd caught.) He said that he would stand in agreement with me before the Lord (pray prayers of intercession) but not for a particular outcome on the topic...just that I would continue to hold it out to God and say, "Here...you take this. Hold it for me. Keep it safe. I'll be here next to You following along in what I am to do with it." I loved that response from Ronnie. I've adopted this particular physical posture when I pray over decisions now. It's the only way that I can remember that I don't get to hold on to things. I hold onto God..and He holds onto my stuff. God is my security blanket.